


Panic! at the Library

by notkingyet



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Coldsnap is my original character copyright copyright trademark do not steal, M/M, i have it on good authority that Optimus Prime is a librarian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8106049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notkingyet/pseuds/notkingyet
Summary: A Transformers fanfiction by a man who has literally never consumed any Transformers-related media.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AndrogynyZombie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndrogynyZombie/gifts).



Optimus Prime banged his cyber-gavel on the library table. "I call this meeting of transformation robots to order! Everyrobot please settle down, we have a lot to get through."

Pretty much every transforming robot was in attendance, including Heatwave, Soundwave, Starscream, the doctor robot, the robot with claws for hands and a weird head on account of his traumatic backstory, the robots who were boyfriends, the robot who definitely had a gender and that gender was female, and Bumblebee. The racist caricature robots were busy elsewhere.

Optimus Prime cleared his mechanical voicebox and shuffled through the enormous stack of papers labeled AGENDA. The stack was taller than the tiny casette-tape robot that lives inside Soundwave's chest sometimes. "Item one, dog-eared pages."

"It's not my fault!" said the robot with claws for hands, waving his hand-claws to emphasize exactly how and why the pages of the books he checked out of the Cybertron library ended up a little worse for wear. (The reason was he had claws for hands.)

"Yeah," said the specifically female robot, "you should really make allowances for disabilities. Kind of a dick move, bro."

"Noted," said Optimus Prime, setting aside that particular page of the AGENDA. "Item two, overdue materials." He lowered his cyber-glasses to the tip of his robo-nose and gave Starscream a very severe look over the lenses, but kept speaking as though no one knew which robot was the problem here. "Materials checked out of the library should be returned in a timely fashion so other robots may enjoy them."

"FUCK THIS!" said Starscream.

"Starscream, will you please lower your voice," said Optimus Prime.

"I'M SORRY, IS MY NAME STARWHISPER? NO, IT IS IN FACT STARSCREAM. THE CYBERTRONIAN AUTHORITY GAVE ME LITERALLY ONE PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ALONE, AND IT'S IN MY NAME."

"Aren't you rebelling against the Cybertronian Authority?" said Soundwave.

"NO, IT'S AN ALTERNATING TUESDAY, SO I'M AN AUTOBOT FOR THE NEXT--" Starscream checked his cyber-watch. "--SEVEN HOURS."

"Good to know," said Optimus Prime. "Item three, fines."

"THIS IS BULLSHIT," said Starscream. "JUST WAIT UNTIL MEGATRON HEARS ABOUT THIS."

"Did someone say my name?" asked Mettaton.

Optimus Prime frowned at him in puzzlement. "How did you get in here?"

"This meeting is for transforming robots," said Mettaton. "I transform from a boxy robot into a sexy robot. Therefore, I am technically a transforming robot. Gimme a library card."

"Boxy and sexy aren't necessarily mutually exclusive categories for robots," said one of the robot boyfriends. The other robot boyfriend nodded affirmingly.

"Touche," said Mettaton. "Counterpoint, THIS!"

Mettaton did a dead-drop right onto the floor and shot one beautiful perfect shapely chrome robot leg straight into the air. None of the other robots could resist joining in the spontaneous round of applause.

"Again, I urge everyone to remain focused on the task at hand," said Optimus Prime. "We are not even halfway through my list. Item four--"

But item four was interrupted by the dulcet tones of "01011001" by the hit prog-rock band Ayreon.

"Sorry, that's me," said Heatwave, checking his phone. "Gotta jet, my friend Coldsnap is here."

Just then, Coldsnap, a super-cool robot with a backwards baseball cap rode in on a cyber-skateboard. "What is up, my fellow 'bots?"

"Have we met?" said Optimus Prime.

"No, I'm new. My alternate form is a zamboni. Anyway Heatwave and I have a date so later." Coldsnap then transformed into a zamboni and Heatwave rode away on him very slowly. By the time they were gone, the meeting had gone overtime.

"Starscream," said Optimus Prime as every other robot except for Starscream exited. "We have to clear the conference room for the next group who reserved it on the sign-up sheet at the front desk."

"YEAH I KNOW BUT IT'S RESERVED BY THE DECEPTICONS AND IT'S EASIER FOR ME TO SWITCH ALLEGIANCES A COUPLE HOURS EARLY THAN GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR RIGHT NOW," said Starscream.

Optimus Prime really wished Starscream would respect the other library patrons enough to lower his voice and not disturb them, but he didn't have time to argue. He decided to add it as an item on next week's AGENDA instead.

THE END


End file.
